Wake Up!
Once again, I am awakened in the middle of the night (or morning I should say, 3:00 a.m., to be exact) to thoughts on my mind. Tossing and turning, I can't get back to sleep. (Yeah, there's a song in there, just too tired to figure it out). Frustrated, because the thoughts I have are so mundane...... paint color of all things. I'm in the middle of painting the bathroom so, of course, it seems logical to be awakened so early by such important details.....NOT!!!
So I start talking to God.
I begin by just trying to divert my attention from paint issues. I begin by entering in a conversation about confidence in myself and my decisions, or rather lack thereof. This conversation goes on as I begin realizing how indecisive I have been in so many things lately. I pray and try to go back to sleep.
More tossing and turning, thoughts of paint and here I am again. Okay, God, I guess we're not finished yet. You must have more for me.
I enter again into conversation and this time I have an awful thought of a fire in our house. I don't know if you ever have those morbid thoughts, but I do and in this one I need to save Cammy. I wrap a water-soaked blanket around me and dive roll into her bedroom, grab her, and roll back out. She's not breathing. We're outside, we have no phone, its 3:00 in the morning and I'm yelling, call 911! I say, No, God, not my baby.....and through tears, try to dismiss that thought quickly.
I get up to check on my babies. They're sleeping peacefully. Thank you, Lord.
I continue my conversation with God about life and death. We've had this conversation before, but here it is again. I know we all have to die sometime, but I would just rather me die before my kids, I mean we all do, right? So flashing through various thoughts, now I'm seeing me or Keith having some sort of terminal illness and our kids and the other spouse left to pick up the pieces.
"I know God, I need to rely solely on you for comfort and peace. I don't know how long I have or any of us have. You hold all the cards. You are totally in control. I know You will never leave me. It's just hard because while I know you are there I can't always see you or touch you or hug you......."
Hush my child, He says. I AM with you. I AM physically manifested in your family. I AM in your husband, your kids, your friends, your family. You can touch me anytime. Now sleep.
I awoke this morning remembering my conversations with God. How precious life really is and how thankful I am for my family. More than words can ever describe.
I love each and every one of you in the deepest possible sense.
posted by Tracy @ 11:53 AM
5 Comments:
Tracy,
I too get strange thoughts in the middle of the night. Sometimes I can't sleep so I come down to my office to work or answer emails or write or read or pray.
It seems these times are the most vulnerable to dark thoughts that seem to come from nowhere.
I have a recurring dream that I first had when Aaron was a baby.
Diane and I are walking through the mall in Fairfield – on the top level. I’m holding Aaron in the cradle that you can put into the car that acts like a car seat, carrying it by the handle. He’s about 3 mos old. Somehow, shifting my weight (Aaron was a super-chunk), he falls out and in slow motion I watch him fall to the ground level.
Even when I walk near the railing now I get a sick feeling.
Some of those dark thoughts are our own imaginations and worst fears manifesting, I’m sure.
But some of them, I think, are actual spiritual conflict (Ephesians 6:12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.)
They are attacks of the devil. He’s still pissed because Michael kicked his butt. (Revelation 12:7-8 7And there was war in heaven. Michael and his angels fought against the dragon, and the dragon and his angels fought back. But he was not strong enough, and they lost their place in heaven.)
If we didn’t have Jesus in our corner, those demons would find a foothold.
Jesus is bad to the bone, man. No doubt.
Thanks for the great post, Tracy.
Dale
After hours of hearing this from your lips, I am still stuck for words. I sat at my desk weeping today, knowing exactly how it felt to be you @ 3am.
I love you.
Thats all. I just love you...A LOT
I was right there with you in the telling of this, Tracy. How amazing that you captured it so truly, that I could feel it happening. Thank you for sharing your soul with us...I love you and yours with a heightened awareness as a result of your sharing this.
Thanks for sharing the real AND normal stuff that goes through all of our minds in some fashion or other.
I had this thought: I wonder if we watched so much t.v. and had so many scenes played out for us on a daily basis, by the media, if we would have such thoughts?
I am thankful that the thoughts lead us to the One who is in absolute control.
I love you and your family so much! We miss you terribly.
"The mind is its own place, and in itself, can make heaven of Hell, and a hell of Heaven."
-John Milton
Thank you for pouring this out. Today I heard from a friend whose house actually burned to the ground yesterday...this pierces all the deeper. And my appreciation for you, your family and all of the precious people God has placed in my life grows even more.
I love you all.
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