"It's been such a long time...
I think I should be posting, yeah.
Time doesn't wait for me, it keeps on going..."
Yeah I know a little corny, but it has been a long time. (Sorry Mark, had to hone in on a little Boston myself.)
Anyway, what's been going on?
Well, not a lot. I've been in a real funky place lately. Changes going on all over the place. Changes in my body, changes in my routine, changes in my disciplines....
"Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes, turn and face the strain, ch-ch-changes."
My bad, sorry. All kinda songs pop in my head whilst I'm speaking, thinking, typing, whatever.
So back to, "what's going on, here?!"
Good question. Trying to keep myself out of the dark hole. Some days better than others.
"Dark hole," you say?
The dark whole of depression.
"Why?"
I don't know. Realizing more recently it has to do with grieving and losses. Grieving all that I had been used to. Being a stay home mom, my only real outlet was church. I poured a lot of my time into "doing" church, which I know so many can relate to.
But now, I have all this extra time and it's somewhat overwhelming. I look around, mainly my house, at all the things that have been "put off" conveniently, I might add, for so long. And now, they're staring me in the face and I just want to run.
Why?
I don't know where to start. I don't know if I want to start.
What am I afraid of?
I don't know that I'm afraid. It just seems like so much work. All the places I've stuffed things away, figuring, "I'll deal with it later." But do I really ever want later to come? Not really. Will I just keep stuffing things away and giving the appearance of things put together and in order on only a surface level?
It's kinda like being content with the way things were in "doing" church, relationally, I mean. I had many relationships on a surface level but to go deeper in requires work.
Work is okay. I am a worker bee. So why can't I start?
Sometimes, I just want to start all over. Get a new house, one that's already done.
No, I know, that's not the answer. I'd just be running from my problems and I know they catch up sooner or later or I'll just end up creating the same bad habits I have now.
Can't I grieve with lots of energy?
I know I need to start somewhere. I'm done being in denial about all the things I stuff away. I'm gonna start cleaning house.
Lord help me! Please?
posted by Tracy @ 11:26 AM
6 Comments:
Loving you more and more each day, my sweet. I am with you all the way on this, we will as God has appointed us man and wife strive through this together...WITH HIM.
It sounds corny I just heard it again today, but I really feel it is true God must have been thinking of me when He made you.
Tracy, you are so sweet!
It's not just church either. I miss our hikes! Both for the physical and emotional. We've got to figure something out here...I miss the time we had together b.b.t.w (before back to work).
Tracey, I am struggling with similar things. I know I have tons more time on my hands but why is my office area still COMPLETELY unfinished? Why are my closets a disaster area? Sometimes I don't want to clean my house. Maybe I should just go horseback riding more! (smiely face) It is almost like I am paralized by so many options. Before I knew what I needed to do and people depended on me to get those things done. I am more free now, but I have learn to allow myself the freedom to enjoy this new journey. You are not alone!!!
Rush Tom Sawyer
No his mind is not for rent
To any god or government
Always hopeful, yet discontent
He knows changes aren't permanent
But change is
(small 'g' god .. not God) :)
I love me some Boston.
I love me some Rush.
Not so much David Bowie.
I super-dig me some Baldwins, though.
If you need my help with anything, let me know .. we can rock up that house in no time ..
I'm willing to help, if you'd like .. we can kick some serious butt in a weekend with the CA CRASH team ..
Like an old-fashioned barn raising .. :)
Love ya! Miss ya!
Dale
Oh Tracy! I had to laugh, I have a drafted post titled "Changes" with the Bowie song in mind. I'm in such a similar place, and God keeps whispering to me "if you're not doing it here and now, will you ever"...
For me that means no more excuses, it dosen't matter what type of house I have, where I live, or the backlog of things I keep stuffing away. If I'm not going to do it now, then maybe those things aren't as important as I say.
What's hidden that prohibits? How come I make big plans and three years later I'm just making the real effort to do them?
I guess I have to decide which way to work - start by clearing the surface and working in, or just go deep and work my way to the surface?
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