Thoughts on thoughts
So, I'm finally starting to clean out the clutter. It's a big job, but very necessary for me right now. I started with a few smaller places just to kinda get my feet wet and I'm feeling pretty good about it after its all done. I don't know what it is about junk and clutter; its so easy to accumulate it and then I put it in little piles in different places and before you know it, its everywhere. (Well I have a knack of hiding it behind doors and things so it "appears" to be clutter free, but isn't). And why do I hold onto stuff anyway? Why is it so hard to throw things away? Yeah, I know, this is pretty trivial stuff, but it's where I'm at today.
After my last post, I was thinking that once I finally said it out loud (or wrote it down) that I was struggling in this area, I was able to put my thoughts into action as opposed to letting them swim around in my head and growing larger and larger in my own mind. I have a tendency to think about things too much and then am afraid to do anything because it seems too overwhelming.
Thoughts can really mess me up sometimes. When I get thinking in my head for instance, about whatever, say, my junk, and I start getting overwhelmed by it, then I become cranky and it starts coming out in different ways. I start yelling at the kids, getting snappy with my husband, getting a headache, etc., etc. A wise friend of mine once said, "Let your thought life become your prayer life." I need to remember that more, because its easy for my thoughts to take over and get the better of me, but when I turn those thoughts into prayer, EVERYTHING changes. When I invite God into my thoughts, WOW, it's a whole different place. Things don't seem so big and even thoughts that don't belong are easily washed away when I talk about it with God.
Those are my thoughts for today, what about you?
"It's been such a long time...
I think I should be
posting, yeah.
Time doesn't wait for me, it keeps on going..."
Yeah I know a little corny, but it has been a long time. (Sorry Mark, had to hone in on a little Boston myself.)
Anyway, what's been going on?
Well, not a lot. I've been in a real funky place lately. Changes going on all over the place. Changes in my body, changes in my routine, changes in my disciplines....
"Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes, turn and face the strain, ch-ch-changes."
My bad, sorry. All kinda songs pop in my head whilst I'm speaking, thinking, typing, whatever.
So back to, "what's going on, here?!"
Good question. Trying to keep myself out of the dark hole. Some days better than others.
"Dark hole," you say?
The dark whole of depression.
"Why?"
I don't know. Realizing more recently it has to do with grieving and losses. Grieving all that I had been used to. Being a stay home mom, my only real outlet was church. I poured a lot of my time into "doing" church, which I know so many can relate to.
But now, I have all this extra time and it's somewhat overwhelming. I look around, mainly my house, at all the things that have been "put off" conveniently, I might add, for so long. And now, they're staring me in the face and I just want to run.
Why?
I don't know where to start. I don't know if I want to start.
What am I afraid of?
I don't know that I'm afraid. It just seems like so much work. All the places I've stuffed things away, figuring, "I'll deal with it later." But do I really ever want later to come? Not really. Will I just keep stuffing things away and giving the appearance of things put together and in order on only a surface level?
It's kinda like being content with the way things were in "doing" church, relationally, I mean. I had many relationships on a surface level but to go deeper in requires work.
Work is okay. I am a worker bee. So why can't I start?
Sometimes, I just want to start all over. Get a new house, one that's already done.
No, I know, that's not the answer. I'd just be running from my problems and I know they catch up sooner or later or I'll just end up creating the same bad habits I have now.
Can't I grieve with lots of energy?
I know I need to start somewhere. I'm done being in denial about all the things I stuff away. I'm gonna start cleaning house.
Lord help me! Please?
